I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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