i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
