3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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