I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
