How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Can you bring me the toilet please
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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