I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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