I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
