Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
