Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
