She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
