woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
