Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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