You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
