I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Randomize
