Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
