It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
