Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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