The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
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I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
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If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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