I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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