Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
