Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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