I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
