I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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