a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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