'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
