I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
