I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
