I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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