Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
