You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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