R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
