Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sarcasm needs its own font
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
