Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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