Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
