I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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