She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
