R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
