having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
