it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i wish my penis had a tongue
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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