Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
