Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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