I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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