He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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