Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
