just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
