I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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