I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
