At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
