I just saw a hot homeless man
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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