Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
