Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
COCAINE IS GR8
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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