My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
