I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
These 19 People Had Awkward Celebrity Sex Dreams
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...