My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You can't just leave with hair like that
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool