Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick