god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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