My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
