I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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