I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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