She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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