I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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