He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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