Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
