once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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