Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
