You made me cry and you don't even care
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
