OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i've created a new STD.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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