For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
