I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
